Vintage Fitness Review: Denise Austin's Low Impact Aerobics

(Also referred to as "Total Workout")

This was a bit of an adventure. First, the hair and hot pink cutaway leotard on Denise, which is late-80s perfection, and second, the exercise ball (medicine ball?). Were those ever a thing in aerobics? I don't remember anyone ever having one, although I grew up in a town of cornfields where working out was probably seen as some feminist Democratic waste of time. 

The copy on YouTube was much like the big bands copy, pretty muffled audio and blurry video quality, but the overall production on the original was pretty low quality, too. It's filmed in a gym, on a mat, with poor acoustics, there was only so much they could really do in such a place, and the camera just sits, static, and records straight ahead, head-to-toe on Denise for the entire workout, which was normal in 1988. It runs about 35 minutes, and for low impact, the speed and intensity were both pretty manic.

We're Businesswomen.

Here are the takeaways from the experience: 

1. Intro by Denise, dressed as a businesswoman in a desk chair in a darkened blue wash of light background. Very cheesed-up Working Girl. Honestly, you can find a workout video pretty easily these days, but these little anecdotal time capsule bits from the eighties are really what I am here for. 

2. You don't need a body ball, as Denise states early on, but it helps to localize the exercises she's doing. Without one, you're just throwing your hands around aimlessly or holding them ajar as if you're holding one but getting no resistance. If performing the exercises as demonstrated, with the body ball, is low impact, doing them without the body ball is low-low impact. 

3. The accompanying music from the first two segments sounds a lot like an upbeat montage from virtually any early eighties comedy film or television show. During the second exercise sequence, the music is way too fast for the physical activities being modeled so you need to either follow Denise with maniacal freakishness or slow it down and NOT be with the music. I mean, it's probably fine if you had a Red Bull or maybe some meth beforehand, but not great synchrony overall, and this segment goes on for a loooong time. 

4. Third segment slows down to a little more appropriate pace with an synthesizer-heavy orchestration of "Venus," by Bananarama, which is the only song in the whole routine I recognized. Alternating kicks and leglifts; much more motivating. 

5. Floor work on abs, butt, and legs would also benefit from actually having a body ball, but for a beginner, resistance wouldn't really be all that necessary. Many of Denise's familiar phrases come out down on the floor . . . "Let me see your smiling face!" "No more jiggly inner thighs!" "Work those saddlebags!" These seemed a little overly fast, too, although people in their twenties may not have trouble with the tempo. 

6. Cool-down is super long, which kind of worked with the fast-paced vibe of the aerobics and strength-training. I usually shorten or skip these, which I know is wrong, but I prefer to keep my heart rate up when I can.

This is a solid video for those with a lot of natural energy or who are flexible. I would give it another try with a body ball, but the too-fast-for-exercise music has got to go.